Lion Magic. . .
Deceased artist Susan Seddon Boulet created the amazing picture of a Lion Person (left) as the "Leo" picture in an astrological series of greeting cards. It was seeing this card that caused me to remember exactly what those Beings of Light looked like for the first time. I looked at that card, and “the veil fell,” and I saw them for who they really were. I imagine by then I was ready to know and accept that little piece of the puzzle. From the day of my NDE until that point, I had been practically “haunted” by lions of every shape and form: people came out of the woodwork to give me lion gifts. I ended up with more lion jewelry, more lion pictures, more lion books, and more lion figurines than you can imagine, and I am not a collector of things!! I even had a pride of lions—etheric lions, not manifested in form—who followed me around. I could feel them walking around me. I couldn’t see them, but I knew a couple of people who have greater non-physical vision, who could see them and often commented on them. With all those lions “softening me up” for five years, by the time I saw that picture of the Lion Person, I was easily able to allow myself to remember that, of course, they were Lion People!! I have to admit, though, that when I saw the picture and realized who I was seeing, my knees literally buckled, right there in the store!
The written account of my NDE
I traveled through the Tunnel of Light and came back to tell you about it!
My Near-Death Experience – What Happened 
Thank you for checking out my Near-Death Experience (NDE). In addition to the audios and videos I've provided on other pages, lots of people have asked me for a written account of my NDE, and I am happy to provide one here. This is an abbreviated version of my NDE account that appears in my upcoming book, Creating Heaven on Earth... One Soul at a Time; A How-To-Manual from the Perspective of a Near-Death Experience. Although abbreviated, this is not a short account! You can read it all right here, or, you can download a pdf here. The version below has been slightly expanded from the pdf version.
1) Every time I tell my NDE story in a presentation or radio interview, different details get emphasized. I never really know which details I'll emphasize, as it isn't really a conscious choice. I know that some part of me (that part of me that is "out there," and didn't get squeezed into the "Coca-Cola can" of a body I'm wearing) somehow knows who my audience is each time I give a presentation or interview, and it tells me what to say. More to the point, it makes those words come out of my mouth! Every time I find myself saying something about a detail that I don't often emphasize, or saying something in a way that I wouldn't ordinarily say, someone invariably comes up and tells me that specific reference really hit home for them. It just shows that we are all—quite literally—connected!! So, you may have heard other details in interviews that I haven't mentioned in my written account. It doesn't mean those details aren't real or that they don't matter. It just means they somehow didn't come up as I was writing this! A longer, more thorough, version of my NDE will be in my upcoming book, Creating Heaven on Earth… One Soul at a Time: A Manual from the Perspective of a Near-Death Experience.
2) In 1985, there was very little information available, but I had read books by Robert Monroe about out-of-body experiences, and I had read Life After Life, by Raymond Moody, one of the first books about NDEs, in which he coined the phrase near-death experience.
3) The 1960s theory of the Higgs field and the recent discovery (thanks to the Hadron Collider in Cern) of the Higgs Bosun, which is also called “the God particle,” seem to scientifically prove this, that there is a Force in the universe (thank you, Star Wars for popularizing that word with that meaning!), that permeates everything and from which all matter is formed.
4) In 1998, 13 years after my NDE, I found my biological family. At that point, only my full brother was alive, but he showed me pictures and identified my father and grandparents, who were exactly as I had seen them during my NDE!
5) This was not experienced as the standard “Life Review” that many with NDEs experience, as I merely observed all the things I’d done or experienced, and I understood why I’d done them or experienced them, and what, if anything, I learned. In a standard Life Review, one experiences what the recipient of thoughts, words, and deeds feels, as well as the experience of anyone “down the line” who is impacted—positively or negatively—by those thoughts, words, and deeds. For example, if I was an evil overlord and abused someone, I would feel what it felt like to be on the receiving end of that abuse; and if that person went home and kicked the dog or beat the wife and children, I would feel what they felt, too.
6) Spoiler Alert: If the idea of a near-death experience as I’ve described above is as far-out as your mind can take, stop reading right here! What I’m about to reveal may simply be too “out there” for you!
Who were these Beings of Light? At first, I could only see them as Light Beings. The reunion was felt on a deep level, and superficial aspects were beneath notice. It wasn’t until about 5 years after my NDE that I realized they were Lion People, with lion heads and manes and human hands, standing upright, twelve or thirteen feet tall. They were magnificent, beautiful, and benevolent, powerful and wise beyond imagining, and they exuded Light and Love, and a sense of humor that was contagious and filled my very being with joy and laughter!
I understand that the idea of seeing Lion People may seem very strange, and nearly impossible to believe. That’s probably why it took me 5 years to be able to accept it, myself! But how much stranger is it than the whole concept of having a near-death experience? Of dying, going to “Heaven,” and coming back to what we call Life? Or of seeing Jesus or Buddha? Although I had never imagined the existence of Lion People up to that point, and had not really focused one way or the other on the idea of any kind of extraterrestrial life, I also had never really believed that earth could be the only planet populated with living Beings or that humans could be the only type of Beings in the Universe. Certainly, if we look around at what we humans have done to each other and the earth, it is arrogant folly to believe humans are the BEST or only sentient Beings in all the universes!! (That would be a sad, sad commentary on creation, wouldn't it?!) The Creator/God has infinite imagination and opportunity to create many types of Beings, as evidenced by all the types of beings on our little planet.
Frankly, when I look at what we have done with our lives on earth, and what we have done to the earth and each other, I tend to believe that earthly human beings must be fairly low on the list of sentient beings, because truly evolved, intelligent beings would know better than to destroy their planet out of greed, and they would surely treat other beings better than we treat our fellow humans.
I can say that I was as comfortable talking to these Lion People as I would have been talking to Jesus. My idea of the Divinity of Jesus was matched by the Divinity of these amazing, loving Beings. They were the embodiment and personification of the God presence all around me. They seemed to have existed for all time. I felt comfortable around them, loved deeply by them, and they felt totally familiar to me, as if I had known them, and they had known me since the beginning of time.
Since my NDE, I have found a few references to a benevolent race of Lion People from another star system. They are said to be very advanced, highly evolved Beings, if not the most highly evolved. They are the Guardians of the gods, and the Guardians of humans and the ancient wisdom (that’s why the entrances to large museums and libraries are flanked and guarded by lion statuary). In ancient days, the path to enlightenment was called “The Way of the Lion,” and that was later shortened to “The Way.” Even more amazing, an actual figure of a Lion Man, carved some 32,000 years ago out of a mammoth tusk, was found in a cave in Germany. It is the oldest zoomorphic sculpture ever found. My sense of it is that the Lion People actually walked the earth at one time in their true form, perhaps millions of years ago, when the energies here were much less dense than they are now.
In October 1985 I had a head-on collision in a car. It was Columbus day, a holiday, and I had spent the day chilling out and watching videos. This was back when we all had VCRs, and we bought or rented videos from a store. There were no cell phones, no modern-day computers, no Internet (ha, ha! The Dark Ages!)
I had just returned the videos to the store, and I was heading down the road to the grocery store. It was dusk, and I was just about to enter an intersection with a green light. The only other car on the two-lane road was also about to enter the intersection from the other direction. At the last minute, with no warning, he turned left, crossing over into my lane. I had enough time to think, “Omigod he’s turn….” I had no time to finish the thought. I do not think I even got my foot up off the accelerator, let alone moved it to the brake. I do not recall the actual collision, and I felt no pain. I just had that thought, “Omigod he’s turn….,”and I suddenly found myself floating in the air about 15 feet up, looking down at the top of my car. It took a minute to understand what had happened, and what I was looking at.
I was fortunate because, even though there was very little information available in 1985, I had read about out-of-body experiences and near-death experiences. I had wanted to experience being out of my body and had tried, unsuccessfully, to do that. But suddenly, with no effort on my part, I was literally out of my body! I was actually excited about that! I looked down and saw the two cars crunched into each other, and I saw the man from the other car get out and walk over to my car. I thought he was walking over to see if I was all right. He reached in through the open window on the driver’s side and he turned my headlights off. I thought that was strange, but I lost interest in what was going on.
Being out of my body was an amazing experience! I suddenly realized that if “I” was hovering above my car, while my body was inside the car, unconscious, then my whole idea and belief of who “I” was, was totally wrong! As most people in our material society do, I had identified my “self” with my body. I believed that “I” was my body, that my body was, in fact, who I am—all of who I am. But suddenly, I knew without a doubt that was wrong. “I”—my consciousness, the part of me that can think and feel—was no longer in my body, so it seemed obvious that my body is something that “I” occupy, rather than being what “I” am! And as I really came to terms with that concept, I realized that “I” was so much more than I had ever imagined. Being out of my body felt like I had been released from tight restraints that I had worn for a very long time. I felt totally free for the first time in my life. At the same time, I felt like “I”—the All of Who I AM—was much bigger than I could comprehend; that I was a vast, expanded Being, that had merely been pretending to be small and limited. Without a body, I could “see” in every direction simultaneously, even without physical eyes to see. The sudden loss of my body was not a hardship; being IN my body had been the hardship, and now I was FREE!
It suddenly occurred to me that most of the people I’d read about who had had near-death experiences reported seeing a great Light, often in the form of a wormhole or tunnel, and I wondered where the Light was. As the thought entered my mind, I felt rather than saw the Tunnel of Light. It was as if the air itself was suddenly disrupted by an amazingly wonderful energy, a feeling of amazing love and joy. The Light itself was bright and inviting and I effortlessly moved toward it. The closer I got to the tunnel, the more wonderful the energy felt. It felt alive, sentient, and it knew who I was. I felt it pulsing with Love, and it called me, drew me, pulled me, and beckoned me… Home.
I moved through the tunnel very quickly, arriving in a “place” that didn’t seem to have anything that would identify it as an actual location. It was like being in a giant room filled with amazingly bright Light. It was so bright that if I had still had physical eyes, I would not have been able to keep them open. But at the same time, it was not Light at all, but actually Love, Love that was at once alive, sentient, all-knowing, benevolent, and very, very personal. But it felt normal, as if I had finally arrived where I belonged, and it felt the way everything should have felt all along, on planet earth, but never did. There were no limitations, no gravity, nothing holding me “back,” and nothing to “work against.”
It was like being in the Heart of God, totally embraced in pure unconditional love and joy! I felt myself laughing with joy in every fiber of my Being—every fiber of my vast, expansive Being. It was all just pure LOVE and pure JOY! And like a fish kept too long out of water, I basked in it, reveled in it, and soaked it up, feeding myself on the sustenance that I had felt starved of for so long.
I knew suddenly that I was back inside God, where I truly belong, where all of us truly belong. I realized, or remembered, that God is not a person or personality, even though humans like to portray “Him” as that. Humans project their personality traits—the judgment, the condemnation, the need to be worshipped and obeyed, the need to lash out and punish those who do not do what we want, etc., etc.—onto God, in essence making Him in their image, rather than the other way around. But that human tendency makes God small, perhaps small enough for our human minds to comprehend. The God I was experiencing is All That Is…. God IS Everything…. including each one of us. God is the Creative Force of all the Universes, a giant ocean of LOVE, from which all matter is created. And I was a little drop of that ocean, that once had been separated and was finally back where I belonged.
Everything around me was permeated by a feeling of total unconditional love and peace and joy and bliss. There really are no words to describe it, because there is no such feeling on earth. It was a feeling of being totally loved and accepted for exactly who I am, exactly as I am, warts and all! All my cares and worries and woes, all guilt and anger, all self-judgment and self-doubt, all to-do lists, and all need to do anything at all had simply fallen away, and I was just BEING. And I was loving myself and being loved very, very deeply. I would say I felt that love deep in my bones, deep in every cell of my body—it was that kind of feeling—but I knew I did not at that moment have a physical body!
If returning Home to bask in that Love and Light again were not enough, I was astonished to realize that there was also great Love and Joy throughout All That Is that I was back! I had yearned and ached all my life because of the perceived separation from Home that I experienced as a human. I had yearned and ached to be back where I belonged—even though I didn’t exactly know where that was—and I had finally returned there. And oddly enough, I could actually feel that the All That Is had felt even more heartbroken and more yearning for ME when I was off on planet earth pretending to be human than I had felt for IT (and that was saying something)! And I was truly received back Home like the Prodigal Son, with infinite joy and love and celebration!
It is a sad statement that many of us, including me, never experience what it feels like to be totally loved and appreciated by our families. Human families, perhaps more in the past than now, are not set up for unconditional Love. They are set up for conditional love, and children grow up with the idea (that is reinforced over and over by friends, teachers, relationships, employers, etc., etc.) that they will be loved and accepted only if they act in certain ways to please others. Most of us never get to feel that we are totally loved no matter what, and no matter how we act or what we do, simply because we are alive or because we are who we are.
As I grappled with that novel concept—that the All That Is had actually missed me, too—I became aware of the presence of other beings. Ahead of me I saw all my relatives who had died: my mother, my two grandmothers, my two grandfathers that I didn’t even remember, and several aunts and uncles. There were other relatives that I never knew in my present life, but somehow I knew who they were. Even stranger was the fact that I saw biological relatives that I had no way of knowing. I had been adopted as an infant, and yet here was my biological father and other biological relatives, whom I had never met and had no way of knowing—and yet somehow I knew exactly who they were! Years later, this was actually confirmed through photographs!
All of these relatives (and there were many of them) looked happy and healthy and young, and they were all delighted to see me, and I was delighted to see them. We greeted each other with such amazing JOY! And they conveyed to me that they knew everything that had happened to me in my life, that they had experienced it all with me and understood everything—all my triumphs and all my perceived failures—and they loved me so very much for all of it. I somehow knew that they had not just been dwelling here in the place of Light and Love for all the years they had been gone from earth, playing the proverbial harps. They had continued in their lives, expanding in Love and Light, learning and experiencing, whether on earth or somewhere else. Yet they had also been around me, watching over me and offering encouragement and love. And they had somehow come back here, too—or some part of them had come back—to greet me on my arrival with so very much love, and compassion, and reassurance.
Again, I was confronted with the concept that we are all so very much more than we think we are! As I “looked” at each one—even though I had no physical eyes, and they had no physical body, except for what some might call a light body—I “saw” them simultaneously in several ways. I saw them as they presented themselves to me: vibrant and healthy and young, with most of them appearing much younger than they were when their human life on earth intersected mine. I also saw them as I had known them in the lifetime and time period I had just “left,” (or, if I had not known them, as they had been in that human form at the time of that life).
Yet even more incredible, I also had vivid glimpses of each one of them—and me—in other lifetimes, in other time periods, in other locations, settings, and circumstances when and where we had known each other. I realized that these loved ones and I had been together in many different relationships and different roles, many, many times before. While I knew them in this life as mother, father, grandparent, uncle or aunt, in other lives they may have played the role of my sibling, lover, child, friend, or even an antagonist or adversary. We were like a large acting troupe moving from town to town (and time to time), presenting different plays, and each playing different characters in relation to each other.
This process was much more than simply seeing, as we do on earth, with our eyes. With physical vision, we see only the exterior, the façade, the outer shell, and we miss so very much. This process involved every conceivable sense—each of the physical senses, as well as many senses I had not known existed. This seeing was more like a complete merging and deep knowing of each one of them, a kind of reliving of each interaction and relationship we had shared in every lifetime. It created a depth of understanding and love with each of them—even those who had been very harsh and antagonistic in this or another life—that is impossible to achieve while in a body on earth.
It was wonderful to be reunited in such a deep way with so many “lost” loved ones, and this reunion seemed to last a long, long time, while simultaneously feeling like it passed in a very short time. I realized that this place felt timeless, in addition to having no identifiable characteristics, except for the appearance of bright Light and the feeling of deep Love and Joy.
With that thought, I realized I wanted more of a feeling of “place,” because it was starting to feel disconcerting to just continue to float in nothingness, even though that nothingness FELT like a giant embrace by unconditional love and joy! As soon as I had that thought, everything shimmered and shifted, and I found myself looking out over a park-like setting. It was as if a giant hand with many paint brushes moved across the canvas, painting the scene with the greenest grass I have ever seen, the largest and most beautiful and most alive flowers and trees, rolling hills with pathways, and blue skies with birds overhead. The colors were brighter and deeper and more alive than any I had ever seen. I smelled roses, and sunshine, and freshness. The trees and birds and flowers and grass were alive and conscious, too. They talked to me, and as they did, I experienced myself as them, communing with All That Is. I watched as cats and dogs joyfully chased butterflies—or each other—through the grass, and my heart leaped up, just to know that our beloved pets go Home, too. I heard children laughing and squealing with joy, and I felt that laughter and joy echoing deep inside myself... and I realized that the laughter of “others” was my own laughter. And to me, the “sound” of Heaven, or Home, will always be the sound of children’s laughter.
I knew I was there to see someone other than my lost relatives, and I found myself moving along a path, over a small bridge and through a primeval forest into a clearing that held a large structure like a gazebo. I entered the gazebo and found myself standing inside a circle of a dozen or so very tall Beings of Light. They were infinitely wise, loving, and patient. They were Angels, or Avatars, or Ascended Masters, or the Personification of God and they emanated profound Love, the same Love I would expect to feel if I were standing in front of Jesus or the Buddha. They were very highly evolved Sacred Beings. They were benevolent and kind beyond words, and they had the most amazing sense of humor! They loved to laugh! Their love, joy, and laughter vibrated through my entire expansive Self! And they felt like the dearest, most loving, family and friends, far closer to me than those other “human” relatives I had just seen.
They saw me for exactly who I am. They saw everything I had ever thought, felt, and done (or not done) in every life I have ever had on earth and every other planet…. and I suddenly knew I had had, and I instantaneously re-experienced, many, many, many of them. Hundreds of lives, in which I had done, and had done to me, just about everything that can possibly be done by and to a person in a body. I felt exhilarated at the many amazing achievements I remembered, shuddered at all the terrible things that had been done to me, and I winced at the "horrible and despicable" things I judged myself to have done.
And yet these amazing Beings loved me deeply, not in spite of all of it, but BECAUSE of all that I had done, and all that had been done to me, and because of all of Who I AM. There was absolutely no judgment at all, because all those experiences were just that: experiences. They were part of my soul’s growth, because a soul grows through experience. And as I had experiences, God and All That Is had experiences through me.
That is all part of the Divine Plan: all these little drops of the Divine Ocean separate themselves from the rest of the Ocean and go off to have all kinds of experiences, every type of experience that is possible. And because we are all connected, as we have an experience, everyone else and the whole Divine Ocean has the experience, too. We are just unaware of that as long as we are pretending to be human and separated from God and each other.
I felt that I was being reunited with these tall, loving Beings for the first time in eons. They were old, old friends, closer than friends, more like separated parts of myself that had been separated from me for millions of years. And at the same time, they were the very personification of that unconditional Love energy of God/All That Is. It was balm to my spirit to be reunited with them at last.
I communed with these amazingly loving Beings for what seemed like centuries. We did not talk, because thoughts just arrived in my mind, not as words and sentences, but as a lot of packets of information downloaded into my head and I saw/heard/felt it all. I simply knew what they wished to convey to me. They told me everything there is to know about the Universe and all of Life: past, present, and future. They told me how everything in the Universe works, the history of humanity, and why such perfect, powerful, Divine, Magnificent Beings (us!)—all beloved parts of God—would decide to play this game of pretending to be small humans in a three-dimensional world of lack and limitation, believing we are separate from each other and from God. (Hint: We thought it would be fun!)
They helped me deeply understand that All is Well, and that everything is going according to the Divine Plan. And they told me that the humans on planet earth are fast approaching a great shift in consciousness, when all the veils will be lifted and we will take off our masks and remember Who We Are, like revelers at a costume party, who pull off their masks at midnight… and here it is, 11:59 p.m. on planet earth!
But of course, I already knew everything they told me! It was knowledge that I have always had deep inside me and always will have deep inside me. Just as every single one of us has this knowledge deep inside. But forgetting it all was part of the game we came here to play on third-dimensional earth. And we have all been playing this game, or acting in this play for so long, and we have started taking it so seriously, that we have started to believe it is Real. That is what we call the Illusion! We have started to believe we are the characters we have been playing, and have totally forgotten that we are, instead, the magnificent divine actors and creators of the play itself, fully capable of rewriting the script and changing our roles at any time!
I would have been perfectly content to stay there, communing with these loving Beings and bathing in that unconditional Love, joy, and peace for the rest of eternity. In fact, that is exactly what I wanted to do. It was what I intended to do. I was finally Home, and I intended to stay. But at some point the idea of going back to my life on planet earth started coming into focus. I feel as if I argued with them, telling them that there was no way I was going back to 3-D planet earth, because it is nasty here and people are mean, and there is very little Love… certainly nothing like the total unconditional Love of Home. But of course, they were not arguing. They were saying things like, “Yes, dear one, you can do whatever you wish. You are a divine, powerful Being with free will. It is your choice.” The last thing I remember was hearing them add, “But before you decide, let us just remind you of why you decided to have this incarnation in the first place, and what you could accomplish if you go back…”
And then, suddenly, I woke up in the emergency room of the hospital. I opened my eyes, looked around, felt the bed under me, and said, “What the *&%$ happened?” The nurse said, “You were in a car accident. You’re in the hospital.” And I said, “That’s not what I mean.” What I meant was, I was just declaring that there was no way I was coming back here, and they told me I didn’t have to come back—so how did I get back here???
And at that point, a police officer stepped up and handed me a traffic ticket for driving without my headlights! That's why the other driver had walked over to my car, reached in front of my unconscious body, and turned them off... to have an excuse for causing a head-on collision, to say that I had participated in creating the accident, through my own negligence of driving without my headlights on.
Fortunately, I did not have to go into court and tell the judge that I saw the other driver reach over my unconscious body and turn out my headlights, while I was floating up in the air above my car. I did have to go to court to contest that traffic ticket that was handed to me in the emergency room, but the other driver did not appear for the hearing, and the story he told the police officer—that I was driving without my headlights—was inadmissible!
Physically, I was somewhat beat up by the accident, but I did not sustain any serious or irreparable injuries. I could not understand how that giant, expansive Self that I AM had jammed itself back into this small body, like trying to shove an elephant into a Coca-Cola can! My body ached. I had a severe concussion, from hitting my head on the steering wheel, then ricocheting into the windshield. And I had smashed both knees into the dashboard. Oddly enough, I had not broken the skin anywhere. One side of my face was spectacularly black and blue for about six weeks, and my knees hurt and didn’t work so well for a long time. Ultimately, though, everything healed, although I can usually tell when it is going to rain; and if it is cold and rainy, my knee might seize up.
The Pain of Integration
It has taken many, many years (31 years as of 2016) to fully integrate the experience and fully realize Who I Really AM. At first, I spent a long time being very depressed about being back here, and I still suffer from that periodically. In fact, I spent at least five years praying to die as I went to bed at night and being disappointed every morning when I woke up. Much of the time, 3-D (life as a human on 3-dimensional earth) feels pretty difficult to me, and humans can be difficult for me to be around, because I often feel their pain, confusion, and disappointment. I look around and see how horrible humans are to each other and, even though I understand that the horrible behavior is motivated by deep fear and self-loathing, I can easily find myself falling into deep despair.
Having had such a huge transformational experience, having suddenly seen the Big Picture (and realized how silly and dysfunction much of life on earth is), does not impart instantaneous Enlightenment. It is an Awakening, to be sure, but it is the beginning of a long, slow, and often painful journey of dismantling one’s life and self-definition, because they no longer “fit,” and creating a new life and self-definition around the new knowledge and perspective. One must painstakingly integrate the new knowledge into the pre-existing life. And there are lots of inherent conflicts in that process. One can completely know and understand that Love is all there is, that the most important thing is to be loving and kind, while simultaneously grappling with and experiencing all the pre-existing patterns of behavior, self-doubts, judgments, fears, and insecurities.
Most of the things I thought were important suddenly became totally unimportant—getting a lot of money; grappling my way to the top (even at the expense of others); having all the latest material possessions; cheering on my local sports teams; keeping up on the latest music, movies, and television; keeping up on current affairs, etc., etc. And suddenly many things that I hadn’t focused on before became important—who I was inside, how I treated people, being kind and generous and forgiving.
I realized that I had constructed my entire personality around the self-loathing and people-pleasing I had learned when I was younger. What I really wanted or what I really thought didn’t matter, because I felt I was supposed to sacrifice myself to please others, or they wouldn’t like and accept me. Growing up, I had been given messages that taught me that I was basically unlovable, unacceptable, stupid, incompetent, somewhat crazy, and too “different” to be likable. I looked for all my validation from other people, rather than from myself. In essence, I sold myself out to buy their acceptance and I twisted myself into a pretzel to be liked.
As a result of years of doing that, I realized I was filled with rage, resentment, and bitterness, and I realized it was eating me up inside! Not to mention, it had caused me to become a caustic, sarcastic person, who had to cut down other people to feel better about myself! Yikes! And I realized I had no idea of who I was, because I had adopted all the projections of other people, what they wanted me to like and be.
So I started the long, arduous, and painful process of emotional clearing and releasing all of those pent-up, unexpressed emotions; trying to figure out exactly who I was, what I liked, and what I wanted; and restructuring my personality to reflect all my new knowledge and my new perspective. And in the process of redefining myself, I lost friends, changed jobs, and left relationships that were abusive, at worst, and manipulative or unsupportive, at best.
At one point I felt like I was alone on a raft in the middle of the ocean. I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t know where I was, I couldn’t see land in any direction, and I didn’t even know which way to paddle! I had entered limbo. I was floating in “the void.” I felt totally lost and alone. And I felt that it would never get any better, that I would be stuck in that void, alone, forever.
Fortunately, if you’re alive, life just continues to go on! I had to support myself, by myself, so I had to get out there and find a job. I had to go about my daily business, the business of living. And as I did that—often feeling completely lost and numb and crazy—things slowly, but surely, started to fall into place. New teachers and resources appeared. In fact, everything I needed appeared for me, but I didn't realize it most of the time! A new sense of self and new ways of being started to slowly emerge, and a lot of the old self-hate, self-judgment, and self-doubt started to slowly give way to self-love and self-understanding. And this process continued for many, many years.
In the middle of all that, I was dealing with some new “phenomena” in my life, as well, and although they were difficult to come to terms with in the beginning, they now are very helpful in my intuitive coaching work.
My psychic abilities and intuition increased dramatically, and I was suddenly able to make more intuitive leaps and “know” more things for no apparent reason. It is not a thought process, it is a sudden deep knowing. If someone tells me they are going to do something, I can often “see” how it will turn out. If I tell them, they want to know “why I think that.” But there is no thinking or logic involved, because it is an intuitive leap. I just know! It is helpful to know that Einstein talked about having intuitive leaps!! But my supervisors at work tended to think I was being negative or obstructionist, especially when I would predict a challenging, or difficult, or unintended outcome from some new policy they wanted to put in place—and of course, they hated it when it turned out I was right!
I also developed the ability to see through the masks people put on and see into their hearts and know their fears. Unfortunately, people can often sense that I have this ability, and they react negatively toward me because of it, although they often do not know why they do not like me! As a sideline of that, I can often see past lives of people and know why they are acting a certain way or experiencing what they are experiencing. All of these abilities proved to be pretty difficult to manage, especially in work situations!
I did not remember all that information I was given (reminded of) right away, but it’s very clear that it is still deep inside me. Periodically, I will experience a download, or an opening, of one of those packets of information and it will come fully into my conscious awareness, usually when something triggers it or I need the information. I will suddenly know or understand something I didn’t before. I’ll get a glimpse of someone’s past life or inner fears, or suddenly see behind their mask, which can be pretty revealing. Or I will start to do something that I don’t know how to do, and suddenly I will simply know how to do it, possibly from experience I’ve had in other lifetimes.
And through all of it, I feel as if I am simultaneously walking in two worlds. I live and breathe and feel and act in the 3-D world of planet earth. If someone betrays me, I feel hurt. If someone is mean to me, I feel anger. Just like anyone else. But simultaneously, I can see the bigger picture. I can feel their pain. I know they are just lashing out from fear and anger and frustration. I feel for them. And at the same time, I feel my own pain, and I can become very frustrated with people who are not awake and aware, people who are narcissistic and manipulative, people who cannot be authentic. I become frustrated with people who are so fixated on things that have no importance that they haven’t got a clue about what IS important, like kindness, collaboration, and love. I lose patience, and I just withdraw. It can be very, very difficult walking in both worlds at the same time!
My Mission(s) and Purpose(s)
Like most people who have had NDEs, I felt I came back for a reason, a purpose, a mission. But I couldn’t remember what it was. That was especially frustrating, because I know I really did not want to come back, and I knew they did not force me to come back. I knew that I had actually changed my mind, probably as a result of something they told me, or reminded me of, and I had made the decision to come back. But I couldn’t remember, and couldn’t imagine anything that would be compelling enough to make me change my mind. I was actually pretty mad that I’d made that choice, but I had no one else to blame but myself!
Over the years, my idea of my mission and reason for coming back has changed. At first, I felt it was to do one thing or another, sort of like a job description or an accomplishment—be a writer, be a teacher, be a public speaker—and that “thing” changed over time. I wrote a novel. I wrote another one. In 2003 in Ireland I spontaneously started channeling energy, so I started doing energy work, then I became a Reiki Master, then moved on to Reconnective Healing and The Reconnection. I started doing Intuitive Coaching and using my gifts to help people. More to the point, I use my gifts to empower people and help them move through the process that I have gone through. (You don’t need to have an NDE to do it; and frankly, I don’t recommend it! It’s far too hard and traumatic!!)
The last 31 years have been much like everyone’s path to enlightenment: like peeling the onion, layer by layer, peeling away the layers of programming and socialization, peeling away the fears and erroneous beliefs about myself and others, peeling away the attachments and getting to the core of Who I AM. Every few years I would think I’d “got it,” and then 5 or 6 years later I’d have another revelation, another understanding of it all. And all the while I would periodically have these “downloaded files” open in my mind and I would suddenly have access to a whole lot of information that I hadn’t been consciously aware of before.
So now, after 31 years of that process of peeling away layers and layers of what I am NOT, and trying to figure out what I came here to DO, I actually believe that I didn’t come back to DO anything! I came back to BE HERE NOW. I believe that’s why we are all here… to BE here at this time of great change, at the time of the Great Shift in consciousness, to fill ourselves with that unconditional love and joy of Home and radiate it out to everyone around us, to help them touch into it. And to have fun and be happy. And perhaps to remind everyone around me of Who They Are: Divine, Powerful Beings, parts of God, the very Heart of God, who are pretending to be humans in 3-D, separate from each other.
When I say to just BE, I don’t mean just sitting on the sofa, breathing and immovable. I think that we are just supposed to BE Who We ARE, as authentically as possible. Then, as we go about our lives, doing whatever we are doing at any given time (and, hopefully, doing what we want to do, having fun and following our hearts, rather than trying to fulfill some sacred mission to do something specific that we can’t quite remember), we spread our specific Light and vibration in the world. We play the specific "note" in this great symphony that only we can play. As we go about our lives Being Our Selves, taking ourselves off that martyr hook and allowing ourselves to have a good time, we are in fact doing our mission and fulfilling our purpose, because we are carrying that Love everywhere we go and it seeps out of us! As we smile at people, and laugh, and acknowledge and respect others—as we SEE others for Who They ARE—we are doing what we came here to do! As humans, we try to make everything so complicated, and it’s all really very, very simple!! All we are supposed to be doing is Being Who We Are, having fun, letting go of attachments and self-doubt and fear, and seeing others for Who They Are!
And isn't it hilarious that out of the deep shame we were taught, and the deep fears we have embraced, we have created a society where we are all terrified to be who we are, to be honest, to be authentic? A society where we all exhaust ourselves with trying to be like everyone else, where the worst criticism we can hear is that we are "different"! We have been taught that our authentic selves are unlovable and deeply flawed, or selfish, so we don't show our real selves to ourselves or anyone else. And yet, the biggest secret in the Universe is this: If you want to have a better, happier life, in the Flow of the riches of the universe that are your inherent right, you absolutely, positively MUST uncover and fearlessly and unapologetically BE your most authentic self!! The more you deny your true self and twist yourself into a pretzel to please others or to "fit in," the worse, the harder, your life will be. And you can take that to the bank, as they say! Each one of us came here with the specific intention to be DIFFERENT!
Following where our Hearts lead us, doing what we feel moved to do at any given time, is key: our Hearts have the map and will never lead us astray. Our Hearts still have the direct link to God/All That Is, and they will teach us how to be our most authentic selves, and how to bring our own special piece to the puzzle. It is our heads and our egos that start to spin that old PR, start creating that story of ourselves, that mask and false façade that we think will make us acceptable, that we think will bring us the love we want. It is our heads and egos that fall into fear, cut ourselves off from our Guidance system, and start creating havoc in our lives and in our world.
If we have a "purpose" at this point in time, it is to participate in the Great Shift and assist with creating Heaven on Earth. Every single one of us signed up for this, and many of us even stood in line to get a ticket! Look around: humanity has done a fantastic job of creating Hell on Earth as we have dabbled for Millenia in dysfunction and a lack of sustainability. NOW we have collectively decided to turn that around and create Heaven on Earth. And we WILL do it. We don't have to have any destruction other than the destruction of the unsustainable systems, institutions, governments and ways of being that we have collectively put in place that don't serve us anymore, or that only serve the few and disregard the needs of the rest.
All we have to do is recognize Who We Are, release our fears and false beliefs, withdraw our attention, focus, and energy from those things that don’t work anymore… and they will fall away. And as we go through our daily lives being Who We Are, focusing on love and joy, we will collectively build the miraculous NEW EARTH, with systems, institutions, and governing that are sustainable and are for the good of All. Once the veils fall and we are all telepathic, there can be no more lies and no more hidden Truth. Once we feel and know that we are All One, we will be incapable of harming another.